I’ll be honest, i’ve always been the girl who loved to be around her friends. But in recent months, i’ve been perfectly happy as a loner. If I was an only child, i’d be completely fine by that. Just because I like to be alone though, doesn’t mean I don’t miss my friends. I miss them, it’s just that life is moving forward and people are changing. Those who stick by are the ones worth keeping. I have new friends from university, my best friend Rhiann (despite our chaotic timetables), my family and my boyfriend. I love them all dearly, and I don’t know what I would do without them.
For everyone, their home environment is a very different experience, to each for their own. For mine, it consists of stress and anxiety roaming the walls of my home and within my family members. This anxiety and stress is literally like a roller coaster. Up and Down, Up and Down. Especially my parents. There is literally nothing worse than hearing them fight between the walls of the house. Especially late at night, when you’re trying to sleep. Thats when your brain tries to recollect what they’re saying, and then you have the wave of thoughts rolling around in your mind. Thoughts such as, “What happens if we all get split up?”, “Where would we live?”, “I don’t want to lose my family”, “What would we do?”, etc. The idea of fighting with loved ones, to me, is the absolute worst. The guilt and anguish I feel in every inch of me, I always try to apologise first. But when my family are fighting, and i’m not even involved, I take that upon myself to feel guilty, anguish, butterflies in my stomach and just plain anxiety- so bad in cases, that I fall asleep crying. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
“When someone else’s happiness, is your happiness. That is love”.
I truly find this to be the most beautiful quote. This is because I really believe in it. I know that at the end of the day, you are dependant on your own happiness. However, when you see the one you love, happy, thats when you can truly capture the feeling of pure happiness.
As I sit here at the bus stop with the sun blaring down on my cheeks, I can honestly say in this moment- I am exactly happy with my life in this exact moment. Not particularly because I’m at a bus stop, no. More because of my appreciation to the beautiful weather, having a perfect day yesterday with my boyfriend and now having a week off work ahead of me, to relax before I start a semester of uni where I actually start photography. Sure, some things aren’t great- like my family still fighting and not being able to see my friends, but I should look on the bright side- today is beautiful, and tomorrow might not be, so I should just appreciate today!
So what I’m about to write is pretty personal, I don’t really care who reads it, but this is my corner of the Internet- where I write what I think about, believe in and even what and when I’m suffering a little. I suffer from anxiety, and I mean, really bad – enough to make me have to take medicine for it. I get paranoid, nervous and stressed because of it. Today I hit a low. I looked at myself in the mirror and weighed myself on the scales and realised how much weight I’ve put on. It was a blow to the chest. The weight itself I’ve put on through the medicine, I was warned it would do this- but I completely forgot. My insecurities were bad, and now I’m feeling worse. I just have to remember that the perspective on myself is different to what others see. However, that still doesn’t stop me from feeling terrible about myself.. Sigh.
Through my experiences, i’ve summed us all down to three things: Human’s are complex beings with the need to love, the fear of being alone and the constant paranoia of having or not having either of those things.
Today, I was thinking to myself about all of my friends recently, who had come to be about a problem their facing. I’ve always considered myself as a good listener when others need to talk things out of their system, and if I can- give some sort of advice. The ironic thing is, I give good advice- but I can’t even take it myself, when needed. But then it hit me, each and every person I know and love that I am surrounded by, are facing some sort of issue or even continuous issues that they keep to themselves. Whether it’s with depression or anxiety, a lack of self-confidence or even troubles within a relationship. They’re all such amazing books, and I’ve read all of their stories- and I can see that. The thing is, they haven’t. And in other cases, other people haven’t- thus the famous quote, “don’t judge a book by its cover”. We all live in a society, that’s so focused on perfection, that individuals personally hide their imperfections. But what I like to think of people as, are good books- books that have a resolution or a form of hope in any problem that occurs in their story. These books could be young or old, a mother or a child- all with its own quirks and personalities. The books could have a few torn pages, but that doesn’t make it imperfect, to me, that makes it perfect.