Failing is a huge anxiety trigger for me. Failing at my university subjects is one of them. However, how am I to be blamed for this semester? Especially when I have been put in a subject with a teacher from hell and placed in a group assignment with people who have completely screwed me over? Not to mention, to be completely humiliated in front of my class by both. I just want this semester to be over- fail or not. I don’t care anymore. I hate what i’m studying.
This weekend has been so wonderful, and today has been so wonderful. So why must after all the good, must I be followed by bad? Why can’t we just leave it at the good stuff?
I have people asking me a lot of questions in regards to what do you want to do with your life, do you think you’ll get married, have kids, etc. And I honestly couldn’t tell you an answer. I don’t know where I will be one month- let alone five or ten years. I could die from a car crash, or go blind or even lose the ability to walk. So I try to take in each day as much as I can. So all I can say to you is; one day.
Current status: desperate wanderer. Definition: someone who is so beyond desperate to travel and see the world, that they’re going crazy. All I can think of and all that I want to do is get out of Sydney, and see the world.
I’ve started to write a novel, not sure where it’s going at the moment- but 3500 words certainly says i’m on my way. However, it’s an average 10,000 words per book (eek!). I wonder if I’ll actually finish it- I could even turn it into an eBook and sell it. That’s if it’s even good enough or if I finish it. But at the moment, it seems like it’ll get somewhere!
There’s a famous quote that goes, “If you do not like where you are. Move. You are not a tree.” And honestly, I find that so beautiful and so brutally honest. So right now, I currently feel like a tiny tree in the middle of a overwhelming forest. I need out. I need a new job, one where I don’t have to pay for it when customers rip me off. And I need a new landscape- I want to travel, I want to take photographs. I’m sick of studying subjects at university that don’t interest me. I’m sick of being stuck in an agency most weekday nights, watching people throw away their money, when i’m so eager and struggling to save my own. I’m a tree that’s too small to see the view above the others right now.
Lately, i’ve been feeling a little hopeless. Probably because i’ve been trying so hard with saving my money for America. Every spare cent, i’ve been putting aside- it’s just so difficult when you have to pay for literally everything yourself. Today, when my boyfriend was talking to me about it- he said it exactly spot on. I have to pay for everything myself- and once I find another job, my parents seem to talk me out of it somehow. I wanted to place uni on hold this semester so I could get a full time job, but my parents don’t even want me to do that. I don’t know what i’m doing- all I know is that I want to travel and I want to see the rest of the world, and i’m too stubborn to give up on my goals. I had to place my final payments for my snow trip next week- and my parents tried to talk me out of going, because they don’t think i’ll be able to save anything. But I have been saving and in fact, i’m doing really well. Not as well as Al, but getting there. So today, my head has been through quite a bit, with anxious thoughts nagging at the back of my mind. Today I felt hopeless.