Anything to do with my life financially, is probably what planted that first little anxiety seed inside my mind, many years ago. And although I’m completely and always on too of my finances, doesn’t mean that mingling thought of it ever goes away. I work so hard, and sometimes it’s just to pay the bills. I want to go overseas more than anything in the world, but life is just so expensive. So right now; I’m feeling a little lost here and there, because I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to do things with my life. Hopefully I will, it’s just doubtful and negative thoughts that fill my mind tonight.
Lately, I’ve been getting a grip on my anxiety. Some days I slip up a bit, but that’s expected. It’s actually been wonderful, to not be so tense about little things, that I shouldn’t be wasting my energy on. Push up’s and yoga in the morning; when I wake up, and having a two minute time out before I sleep and reinforce my mind with at least five positive things from that day. It’s been helping. It’s allowing me to keep on balance with it all, without the issues of medication, panic attacks and depression from gaining weight, from that medication. I’m positive it will get better from here, I’ll have a few bad days here and there, but I can do it!
Jealousy is not a nice feeling, and I’ll be honest; I’ve had my moments. But really, it’s just my protective natural instinct over what’s mine. In my family of five; if you own something special, i.e. A camera, a playstation or something dear to you- you keep it protected, otherwise my family members will just take it and use it, without permission. I guess it’s a similar scenario over sharing the person that I love. My natural instinct is to protect what’s mine. That’s why I sometimes get green with envy over the man I love, because, well he’s mine, just as I am his. I get jealous mainly because of what anxiety can do to your head. I know perfectly well how to share him of course (he is his own individual being), it’s just hard sometimes. My mum always says I would have made a good only child; so stubborn. I guess it’s just irrational fear, but then again, everybody has the same thing with the person they love. And I love him dearly.
Most people say I’m too old for my age. I get often teased by people saying I was born 30 years old. I guess in some ways that’s true. But it got me thinking today, that maybe I should try a few things out that’s for “my age”, like going out to the city, for example. Before I’m actually too old for that. All day I’ve been thinking of how much of a boring person I must be and sound to other people. I prefer books over clubbing, yeah, I guess. But I don’t want to look back on my life, and be disappointed by the things I didn’t try. I guess today, I’ve just been feeling disappointed in myself, for some reason that I don’t really know and can’t really justify.
Sitting, curled up in a chair, in a sterile emergency hospital room, is not somewhere anybody would really want to ever be. Especially at 3am, when your mind goes wild with anxiety, because the one you love, is having heart pains. And after previous medical history, all you can do is go crazy with your mind and with your what if’s. Seeing them attached to a million-bleeping machines, wires to and from and fluorescent lights beaming down on us, just makes you want to burst into tears. A white-sterile hell on earth, which nobody wants to be at. Fuzzy hair, no makeup and goosebumps on my skin from the cold-artificial air. Pale, ghost-like and nervous, as he lay there. I am numb. And I am powerless.
I don’t know how one could ever possibly describe why or how much you can fall in love with someone. I guess the only way I could explain it, would be, how over time, you learn to understand their roots; what they like, what they want, what they believe in, how they think and what they love. They branch off in so many different directions, that you fall in love with each and every single one of them. Then before you know it, you realise that this whole, magnificent tree, standing before us, was there all along. We just grew to understand how big and beautiful they were on the inside.
I like simple things, simple things in their rawest form. I pay attention to detail and admire things that most people take for granted, everyday. I guess that’s where I originated my photography from. Photographing things that caught my eyes, things that people took for granted. Simple, unnoticed, unique and genuine people, places or things. Raw beauty, within itself.