Nothing much to write today. Inspiration is all gone. Sadness has consumed me. Fake smiles are all I can produce. I miss you more than anything.
I Wonder where you are right now? I Wonder if i’m ever on your mind? I Wonder if you’ll ever want me back? I’m moving on, but I still ache for you. I still want to be with you, because when- “A person who truly loves you, will never give you up no matter how hard the situation is.” I still cry every night, and if I don’t cry and stay up so late that I fall asleep instantly so I don’t have to do it. I’ve been continuing on, doing things, losing inspiration, completing assessments two weeks in advance to have something to do. I don’t have anybody else to talk to, so I use this to talk to nobody, I guess, just somewhere that I can get this out of my head. I Wonder if i’ll ever see you again? I Wonder if you’d want to try again after a month. This last week, has been so difficult, and the thing is- I still haven’t deleted your number from my phone. I’ve just been using all of my strength to leave you be, like you wanted. I’m so lonely, and I realised how much I’m in love with you even more now.
Today I stepped on the scales for the first time in two months and nearly had fainted. I’ve put in the five kg’s that I just recently worked so hard to lose. Ah, I’m just going to be forever fat. I hate my life. Why do I even write on here? Nobody reads it anyway. On another note, I tried to organise a movie night with my friends and they’re all busy, so I’m spending yet another night alone. Why am I still alive? I’m so alone.
Today I had university then I came home, cleaned the entire bathroom, kitchen, watched season two of sailor moon, just in order to distract myself from thinking about you. I can’t believe just like that- you’re out of my life. Gone. Vanished. Nothing. After doing everything to distract myself during the day, I sat on the floor of my bedroom tonight and found one of your old Nike socks you let me borrow a few months back. And that’s when I couldn’t hold back the thoughts of you, or the tears. I bawled my eyes out, wearing your sock on my right foot while hugging my favourite rabbit you bought me for my birthday last year. It hit me, the thought of not being yours and you not wanting me anymore made me nostalgic of you. From our snuggles after sleepovers, from you saying “tummies”, to cooking cakes in your kitchen, water fights in your pool, to just holding my hand- every memory hit me hard and it’s like you said, it felt like salt to an open wound. I’m trying so hard to fake being happy and distracting myself to look like I’m moving on. But in reality, I’m anxious, lonely and so unbelievably sad, that I don’t even know what to do. Despite this, I still love you more than words can say, and if you made me wait a whole year to get back with you, I would wait, and I would countdown each day with such excitement. But I know that will never happen. And one minute I’m mentally convincing myself that I’m alright, I’m moving on, I’m being positive- but the next minute, I come tumbling down- crashing even, because I’m not your girl anymore. And I don’t even have my best friend to talk to about it all. I’m so lonely, and all I can do is cry.
One step at a time is all I can do now I guess. One day at a time, and eventually, one day, I’ll be happier. All I can do is hope. My heart will re-heal with time and I don’t think I’ll be able to love somebody again for a while, and I like it that way. I only love one person dearly, and we went our separate reasons because he asked wanted to and he let me go. From that, I can’t imagine myself with anybody else, for a long time. But that’s okay, I need to focus on my life, for now, just till the pain goes away. I’m trying this new thing with celebrating one positive thing a day, to keep my anxiety down a bit till I go back to medication. And I guess today’s positive note was that my first university assessment got a high distinction. Just one step at a time, things will get better… I hope.
Nothingness is how I feel right now. I’ve got nothing and nobody. I’ve got nothing to look forward to in life. Mum took away my photo’s of you, my Monsters Inc figurines, my Rabbit and even my book of awesome. No memories left of you, except everything in my head that hits me like flashbacks and makes me cry harder and for longer. I lost my best friend and my the love of my life yesterday. He said there will always be somebody else, but the thing is, there won’t be somebody else for me, you really, truly were/are my other half. So many more things to have looked forward to, like ice skating, playing more playstation, being my model in my photo shoots and now they’re just things that will never happen because he doesn’t want me- nobody wants me. I’m alone, and I can feel the darkness coming back after all of this time. I have no strength to be strong anymore, no strength to smile, no inspiration to take photo’s. I’ve skipped another day of uni today- because I’m petrified leaving my bed. The thing is, I would’ve waited longer in order to have gotten a better decision- one that wasn’t rushed, and so confusing. You kissed me, we were happy, laying down and having a nap, smiling and joking yesterday, and then you made a rush decision in the last half an hour to fifteen minutes because I had to leave. :’( I’m so crushed right now A, and the thing is I would’ve tried again to be with you, if you gave me a chance- I would’ve been less intense and helped you with your anxiety. I know I shouldn’t be messaging you, but I still have so much to say to you, yesterday didn’t give me enough closure. And what makes me cry is that you still don’t know what you want right now, to this very moment. You’re still conflicting with yourself, and even when you do feel like getting together with me, you won’t tell me- just like yesterday when you were going to ask me upstairs, sitting on your bed. So I’m sitting here, completely lost. Despite how hard I try, everybody leaves me in the end. I have nothing, I am nothing, I wish you had made the right decision. I miss you already. I love you. I’m so sorry.
1. You don’t cope with a broken heart.
2. I hate my life.
3. Why am I still alive?
4. Everybody leaves me in the end any way.
5. I’m a complete piece of crap.
6. Why do I even try?
7. I’ve given up on everything.
8. Everything sucks, even taking photo’s- I’ve given up on that.
9. I hate leaving my bed.
10. I hate everything, even the world, 11. There is no such thing as true love, it all sucks and it’s all crap.
12. You rushed your decision, even after I waited ten days for a reason.
13. I’m so lost and so depressed.
14. Why am I still living?
15. I hate uni, I’m not going.
16. You didn’t think about what I needed did you?
17. I must have cried at least a thousand litres of water in the last week.
18. I’d still wait for you, if you asked me.
19. I still love you, so, so much, and I only wanted a second chance.
20. This is the biggest mistake you’ll ever make. :’(