Tonight was the first time in a while where I’ve had my anxiety hit me over the head with a brick. Not that I had any deliberate reasons to feel that anxious, just a series of events throughout my evening that made me crack. E.g. The hard night at work; blowing up your dinner in the microwave (and then having nothing else to eat, and also including the opening of a one-tonne safe door into your stomach where you just had your appendix out- and then crying on the safe room floor in pain for about ten minutes (yes that really did happen), and finally, also upsetting the one person who kills me to upset (whom I’m too anxious about to even sleep). So here’s to a night where I did nothing but made mistake after mistake, because my mind wasn’t in the game, making me useless.
Today, on the bus to work, I waited for several people to get off, before letting three elderly on first. Only then, did I get on the bus. This is a regular routine- it’s just polite manners, to those around us. However, once I arrived at my destination, everybody (majority male- not being sexist -was in actual fact, roughly 8-10 school boys / workmen) got up straight away, pushing and shoving- not even stopping for the elderly, to get off the bus. I just sat there and waited for every single person to get off before myself, because it was chaos. And then it hit me; is chivalry dead? Is there no such thing as opening doors for women, letting the elderly off first, etc? Obviously women, elderly, myself and whomever else don’t expect it all the time, but it would be nice to know if it could happen. And it doesn’t as often anymore, as the world is full a new generation of kids; ones with smartphones glued to their hands. 60 years ago, the world was right, in regards to gentlemen and lady codes – or so it seems to me. Our world has no moral values anymore.
The other day, I was talking to my best friend about how much everybody works nowadays (college students- enough said). But then once again, my own mum said something similar. ‘We work to survive, yet we’re not really living. We don’t get to enjoy ourselves, as there will always be bills, mishaps and things that will always get in the way. And I’m now 40′. This is kind of a sad, but realistic thought. The thought that we have our whole lives ahead of us; to work. Only then, do we retire and try to survive on whatever little income older people live on. I guess that’s just the way it goes. Thoughts over and out.
When it comes to university work, and my actual work, it seems to be the worst trigger for my anxiety. I need to seriously control that. Especially after my little anxiety attack over a petty online quiz worth only 5 marks (which you’re awarded with, regardless of your marks you achieve within the quiz). Nevertheless, I want to punch myself in the face right now. Bit seriously. Get a grip, and breathe.
I find it bizarre when people compliment me on my photography. Probably why you’ll get the “shy-thank-you-and-laugh” response from me. It’s because I honestly don’t know how to accept it, i’m a bit funny with compliments- but I’m learning. I like to appreciate every detail of beauty, even in a dirty part of a city – and to people who are close to me, recognise that’s what I do. (E.g. “look how lovely that building is”, “those trees are beautiful” and “oh I love that window design, it’s so abstract”, etc.) and from that beauty, I like to capture it. That’s probably why I get so many responsive reactions from people, because they can finally see what I see. To you, that could just be any building, but to me, I can see the angles, the ageing, the decor and the beauty- and I want to share that with you. If you see me taking a photo it’s either to a) Find something beautiful in the ordinary or b) Capture a special moment of the ones I love (i.e Boyfriend, Family and Friends) so I can keep them forever. I’m just glad people can see what I can, and appreciate the beauty that life has to offer all around us!
I read this really great quote from Miley Cyrus, in a magazine recently, and she said “Your mind can either be your army and your enemy. You just have to learn how to control it”. And it hit me hard with how spot on that was. I’m sure she didn’t create that by herself alone, but nevertheless, it’s gotten me thinking. Having anxiety is like having a constant snow ball with you, and when it gets worse, it seems to just keep rolling down hill, getting larger and more destructive as it goes. So every time something is making me anxious, or my overthinking is being fed negativity through my anxiety, I try to tell myself to stop it. My mind is my army, not my enemy. Being five minutes to late to work will not kill me, nor will not being to see the people I love the most every single day. So this is a personal reminder for myself, and anyone else who experiences things like this, to just stop, and seriously breathe, cause you’ve got an army in your head, and you’re a fighter.
Anything to do with my life financially, is probably what planted that first little anxiety seed inside my mind, many years ago. And although I’m completely and always on too of my finances, doesn’t mean that mingling thought of it ever goes away. I work so hard, and sometimes it’s just to pay the bills. I want to go overseas more than anything in the world, but life is just so expensive. So right now; I’m feeling a little lost here and there, because I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to do things with my life. Hopefully I will, it’s just doubtful and negative thoughts that fill my mind tonight.